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Banana Pattern

We are well aware that the world has become a smoldering cesspit of:

  • dysfunction, 

  • despair, and … well … 

  • cess. (We have to put it somewhere.) 


The fifteen stories herein are designed to combat that very thing! Sure, you could worry about the war in Ukraine or the next plague, but why not learn fun facts about dolphin clitorises, the connection between eating frogs and productivity, Grandfather Iron Jaw’s sex tips, and someone’s -- let’s call him “Zacchariah” even though his name is actually “Paul” – pelvic floor?


And if you don’t believe us, maybe you will believe our famous dead columnist Granny Mary! 


“So, let me state the obvious. This anthology is good. Very good. I haven’t read an anthology with a collection of talent like this in hours. The abundance of comedy in these pages will leave your pants wet. It’s a shplotz. A shplotz of comedy. 

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Colorful Shapes

Think of it this way. The entire goddamn world is going to shit, and you are reading a blurb written by a dead woman who was recently made famous for—get this—blowing her nose into dirty underwear. Wouldn’t you rather be laughing?”

Here’s what you get!

Banana Pattern

1. Why We Live in a World Dominated by Men

2. Ladies, Get Yours Today

3. New Study Shows Negative Correlation Between Eating Frogs and Productivity

4. How to Blow Your Nose into Dirty Underwear

5. I Explain to a GenZer That There Were Once Only Three TV Networks

6. Sex Education Tip — Keep Your Knees Together and Wear Clean Underwear

7. My Unfavorite Things

8. All Things Must Collapse

9. Marine Scientists Discover That the Dolphin Clitoris Provides Pleasure 

10. Please Accept My Friend Request So I Can Make You Regret It

11. I Left My Face Print On The Movie Theater And It Remained There For Five Years

12. I’m Teaching My 12-Year-Old Son About Women

13. Science Abandons Red Counties

14. On Learning to Speak American

15. My Neighbor Saw My Bare Butt

Banana Pattern

Ready to keep your knees together and wear clean underwear? Don't wait any longer! Buy this book starting Oct. 20th and flush that nasty cortisol flooding through you like a red tide every time you Google “Headlines.”

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